also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
