Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
