Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
