His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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