It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
