fuck your aforementioned shoe
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
