You just made me feel so damn special
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he was CRYING into my vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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