You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
