i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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