My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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