I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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