My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
