Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
