Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
