Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
