No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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