was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
