Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
