last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
