the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
