Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
