I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
