I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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