When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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