So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
