I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
