So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I have post one night stand depression
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