So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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