i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
