Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
