Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
