You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
