he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
