so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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