I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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