Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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