i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
