my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
