Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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