I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
