Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
God, I missed his penis.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
