so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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