I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
