I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
