I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
