its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
