So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
