I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
