WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
