Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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