he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never let your siblings swipe right.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
