i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
