I showed him my bush... on skype.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
